My heart was block by sins!

All this while, I always plan a challenge to change my self.. Its seriously tough though, always didn't goes well as my plan.. And now, I just realised that my heart, mind and soul are saturated with sins, that's why its really miserable and difficult to stand still!

Looking back to my past, I always think that I am a good girl.. I used to be kind to other human being, I always try my best to be the best friend, never try to hurt my family's hearts, but.. one thing that I totally forgot, to remain my relationship to the Creature, Allah the Almighty! I mean, obviously I did all the compulsary things as a Muslim, but on the other hand, am I do it truthfully, or it just a same daily routine or habit that I must do? So, thats the thing!! 

Being a 27 yo woman, I start to see things differently. The questions like ‘why sometimes He doesn't grant my prayers?’ or ‘why I am really having a problem to be a good Muslimah?’ always knock down my head. Pathetically, the answer will always come back to me.. 

Poundering about my past, I started to dig my old few little albums. Now, I got the answer! For example, there was a period that I was like, not really particular about my aurat? I mean, I covered all, but not really complete😭😭 Its totally shameful and painful to tell everyone about this matter, but yeah, things happen.. And I think that's one of the reason why my relationship to Him is not really firm. My Iman keeps going ups and downs, and sometimes its really hard for me stay in a better path whilst doing all the good deeds, and avoiding all the bad deeds.. 

Yes, I am a woman, a bad woman indeed  with full of sins intentionally or unintentionally..

All these things came cross to my mind when few friends seeking my advice. Not telling that I'm a good problem solver or a motivator, but when problems happen, and I am no longer having a solution, I tried to reflect my self back. I mean, when something happen it might be a punishment from Him (like a karma?). Or it might be a sign for us to keep patient? 

One thing I pretty sure is, when our heart are no longer sincere to do good things, it probably because it was full of hatred, sins or even envious?? 

Dear heart.. Please.. Please.. Please.. Put Him first in everything.. Put the dunya aside, run for the akhirat instead! You, yes YOU, and ME, definitely, are not destined to remain forever in this dunya.. The life hereafter should be our aim, and Jannah should be our motivation! Biiznillah... 

From Birm, with love, 

Sufiah